CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

Have you guys ever heard of that saying? Curiosity killed the cat. Well, as of right now, I feel like that cat that has been partially paralyzed and killed. Why? because I got myself into a Catch-22 situation that could have easily been avoided, but instead I was manipulated and taken advantage of by a stranger I didn't even know to well. That was always one of my favorite sayings, when I find people to be very experimental or promiscuous.

About a month ago, I started writing this blog and stated that I contracted this disease using a hookup app called Jack'd. Jack'd is a dating/hookup app used to seek the masses of mostly gay and bisexual men that are either DL, Openly gay, or discreet. I started being promiscuous by using the app ever since last year when I turned 24. Since, I was completely abstinent from sex age 18-24, I was completely naive to certain terms or lingoes that most of the guys were using on the app. I never went to gay or straight clubs or partake in any of the gay scene festivities like pride and etc. I was always mostly a homebody and still am.

A few posts ago, I talked about temptation and food, but there are so many other forms of temptation and that definitely includes SEX. So, this is how the app works. The app is GPS based, you create a profile with or without a profile picture with your height, weight, and stats about yourself. You can find out how many miles whether you are searching for guys locally or across the United States. When, I first created the app,I had all sorts of different guys trying to spit game or make a pass at me. After all, I am an attractive guy, but when you look at my profile pic,I look so pure and innocent which that's just my persona and the way I carry myself. I had a married man hit me up one time blatantly asking me to meet him out in the public.

I thought to myself, first of all you are married and second of all I told him why would you want me to contact and meet you out in the public knowing that your wife may find out what your'e doing. I said that's not happening and I blocked him. So I had enough power by telling that particular person no. Then, I had another guy that was bisexual and discreet. I didn't know he was bisexual until after he had told me once we met/hooked up he was Jamaican. He kept telling me how cute I was and he wasn't feminine or flamboyant at all. He was like an ordinary straight acting masculine guy. That's why I said the action of guys these days can be very deceiving. I asked the question why is it that most bisexual guys play both ends of the fence? (Being with Men/Women)

I threw out the statement is it because most guys don't want to deal with all of the stipulations of being with a girl. He said yes. Not saying that this happens to every single bisexual guys I am just going off of my personal experience. For instance, some of the stipulations that I'm talking about from a girl may be What time are you coming home? Why aren't you here? How are you getting here? The majority of women are very inquisitive and asks tons of questions. On the other hand, the majority of guys are a little bit more laid back not so uptight just go with the flow of things without really questioning and looking into things.

I guess it's human nature......

Some guys find that intriguing when their girl or significant other want to know their whereabouts. Others may find it a bit nagging and annoying. Can you imagine all the scrutiny he went through? He told me his family knows about his alternative lifestyle, but there are boundaries and limits. They don't want to meet any of his male counterparts as long as they are around for family functions/gatherings at his house. Although his family know I don't think his baby mother knows.

I came up with the conclusion on my own, that it's one thing being a black man in America, but it's another thing being a black man and gay in America. There are so many stigmas in the black gay community and so many bisexual and DL try to keep this masculine image to satisfy this family legacy or keep the generation in the family going. They don't want to be called a faggot, queer, punk, pussy, or a bitch. Does that justify that they are sleeping with both men and women? No absolutely not. My girl Queen Selah had a post titled Gay for Stay? Gay for Pay? Gay for Play? Is Gay Okay?
She was trying to get a better understanding to seek healing mentally of why her lover and husband was committing these acts by cheating with another man.

I gave her some of my personal experience on her blog on why I think most bisexual guys act that way. Gay for Stay? I look at that question you really do have openly gay guys that are comfortable in their sexuality despite the scrutiny that they receive and someone like myself that is discreet (not down low) that is attracted to guys, but not really comfortable in my sexuality because of society, family, and judgement. Gay for Pay? I see this question as being a bisexual/supposedly straight man that may do gay pornography for financial reasons, but it's strictly business and nothing else or getting paid by having sex for money or drugs out in the streets (Jail included) Marijuana, Crack, Cocaine, etc. Gay for Play? Maybe the guy is promiscuous and curious to try something different. For instance, a women may want to be left alone because she's on her menstrual and don't want to have sex or give oral.

The guy may have anotherguyperform oral sex on him. I always heard stories about guys give better oral sex than girls. I didn't know how true that was at first, because I was naive to a whole lot of things. But when I sit back and think about it, if a guy is giving another guy oral sex. Both of them have "DICKS" so therefore they would better understand how to pleasure one another being that they both have the same parts if that make sense... Is Gay Okay? I don't really know how to answer that one because Homosexuality like HIV has always been stigmatized by society because they look at it as being out of the norm. There are a lot of other things in society that aren't okay, but they don't scrutinize it as much like committing adultery, fornication, stealing, and so many others.

On the app these are some of the terms that most of the guys say on there:

NO FATS OR FEM.

Have a FACE PICTURE

MUST BE MASCULINE

POZ ONLY (HIV POSITIVE)

BE DDF (DRUG DISEASE FREE HIV NEGATIVE)

DL ONLY

DISCREET

TOP/BOTTOM/VERSE/VERSE TOP/VERSE BOTTOM

STARTING OFF CONVERSATION: YO, SUP, WHAT'S GUD, HEY

SOME CODE WORDS FOR LINK TO HOOKUP/FUCK: LOOKING FOR A GYM PARTNER, PLAY BASKETBALL, 420 (LET'S CHILL AND SMOKE), LOOKING FOR A MASSAGE THERAPIST/BARBER, "GENEROUS MEN" (ESCORTING OLDER OR YOUNG BOTTOM OR TOP) ARE YOU INTO THREESOMES? PLAY VIDEO GAMES? YOU HOST? YOU MOBILE?

SCAMMERS/FRAUDS: DO YOU BANK WITH WELLSFARGO OR BANKOFAMERICA

There are so many terms that are used on that app. I figured out most, but am still learning. I decided to download the app a few weeks ago after being off of it for three months after finding out my diagnoses. I wanted to find the person who I think infected me, but I don't see his profile. I felt the need to download it because I think that was the only way that'll I'll be able to heal mentally. I now have no default picture on the app, but it gives me enough strength to see and handle things differently so when I am cured I would never ever again fall back into that same trap. Although curiosity killed the cat, I sure hope that the satisfaction will bring me back sooner or later.....