Day#141 ("You live and You learn")

About two weeks ago, my college best friend that I told I have "This Spell of a Disease" calls just about every week (Which sometimes I don't be feeling like talking on the phone) to ask me how was the Alkaline diet coming along and stuff. I said it's coming along pretty well you know much better than last year when I first started. I be wondering at times, why don't she just read my blog to find out exactly what I'm doing, I slightly tell her briefly when we talk on the phone, but not detailed like this on my blog. I told her a few times before, that I have been dedicating my time writing my blog since towards the end of last year which I can't believe that I have written 100 posts. Maybe her reading my blog may be a bit too much for her to handle I don't know.

But do you guys remember, when my best friend tried to pressure me towards the end of last year about talking to a counselor especially after finding out my diagnosis? I told her that's out of the question because counselors are only trained by the books and all they're doing is cataloging information that they can't really relate to my situation which at the end of the day they are going to make me feel complacent of having this disease and probably want me to tell my close family members which is definitely not going to keep me on the right track with being cured. When I told her I saw the guy on the app after being off of it for 3 months on New Years Eve (Which I posted the text Message Snap Shots) that infected me with this death trap, she was pushing me to contact the police. I kept telling her I really don't have sufficient evidence at the time that it was premeditated of him knowing his positive status at the time while engaging in sexual activity.

But I myself know that it had to have been intentional because when he first contacted me on the app, he did not have his Positive status on the app, but now a day before New Years Eve you have on your status HIV Positive (Undetectable) I almost regurgitated when I saw and posted it on here. And the thing about it, I really wasn't interested in him initially, it took me a week or two to finally decide to chat and eventually meet up. Once again showing pity for people. Not 1, 2, or 3 times that we met chatted and hooked up did he ever mentioned his status. We even Netflix and chill and watched movies, he offered and fixed me some juice, which I have never really experience these things before so it was all foreign to me and I must have like the attention I was getting and looked what happened.

Being an introvert and lonely and not being able to express yourself has its pros and cons because people see and feel the vibe of your innocence and they take advantage because they know you're vulnerable and yearning for attention that is lacking from somewhere whether it's from family or something traumatizing that stems from your childhood that is the underlying condition of such loneliness. Hmm I be wondering because I was abstinent for 6 years and couldn't really explore my sexuality back then and even now because of negative feedback from family and society as a whole caused me to be sneaky seeking attention and validation from guys off the app whether it was chatting or an occasional hookup (which I didn't have unprotected sex with every single guy). That is some low self-esteem bullshit on my part! I do be wondering if I was out about my sexuality would this situation that I'm in right now would have ever even happened? I just don't know...But I do know that my best friend was stressing me the hell out, by pushing to try and contact the police at the beginning of this year. I stopped talking to her I believe for about 2-3 Weeks.

So then, I finally decided to take her advice and give the police department a call and told them about the situation and they was telling me all kinds of stuff that I would need to hire a lawyer which I would have to have sufficient evidence that it was premeditated and not only that I'm not out about my sexuality and I thought about lawyer and courtroom fees. I thought about how mentally draining and stressful all that would be. I would rather put my money towards the herbs for healing screw all that other stuff. So this time a couple of weeks ago, she asked me have I ever thought about ever contacting HIV Positive people in groups around the city and stuff. Again, I told her no because most other HIV Positive people already have embedded in their mind that they are complacent with living with this disease for the rest of their life, I'm not with that. Speaking of that about a month ago, I was chatting with this guy on the app, he was about 39 years old and he kept blowing up my inbox, mind you I don't have my profile picture displayed on the Jack'd app especially after finding out my diagnosis, but he does.

I wasn't really interested in this guy for anything else, but chatting and rarely that because I would ignore him, just like I did with the guy that gave me this death trap. We chatted for at least 3 weeks on the app and he starts telling me this pity story first about how he had cancer that he beat. I told him sorry to hear about that... So you know me I start asking him tons of questions just to dig a little deep for information like have he ever been in a relationship with a guy (Which I have never been) and was he from around the area, etc.Then he still blowing me up about everyday in my inbox and finally tells me that he has been HIV Positive for 16 years. I went numb when he told me this because I have never came across someone on the app that actually told me their status I would see some guys have on their profile Poz or (+) or Undetectable meaning HIV Positive. When he told me this I disregarded that he even told me that he was positive and chatted for a little while and never chatted with him again. 16 years??? I just can't see myself living with this garbage for that long of a time period.

I stopped talking to him on the app because I really don't want to hear to much more of his pity stories. Maybe after I'm cured if I still have the app I may contact him again, but as of right now no. He just seems so complacent too, I mean reading his profile he just seems to relax for me to even tell him about herbs and healing and stuff.

You guys see how the cycle repeats itself, when you begin to really dig deep and ask questions before actually meeting someone whether off the app or face to face. This has really taught me to look at things from a different perspective, while having this disease, so when I'm cured it will never happen again you live and you learn it's only making me stronger because the average person would have never probably even downloaded the app again, but I'm trying to get as much information as possible to avoid life costing mistakes in the future.

Then, my best friend tells me you know there are actually people particularly guys intentionally getting infected and infecting other people with HIV just to get special housing and a place to stay. I said that's sick and disturbing because it's funny that she said that because I remember when I first was diagnosed at the HIV Testing site they were trying to get me to sign up for the Ryan White Foundation, I already knew what the foundation was all about because that was the Charity event that Michael Jackson would donate to his close friend Ryan that had AIDS and passed away in the late 80's or early 90's. Because I didn't have my own insurance, I was underneath my father's they were just telling me other alternatives just in case I wasn't able to afford the drug and stuff by submitting a pay stub or proof of income and I remember them telling me that I could also have an opportunity to apply for special housing assistance if I needed a place to stay and couldn't afford it.

So when she told me that I was saying to myself people are really doing things intentionally just to get special housing and assistance for HIV Positive people smh...Hmmmm still jotting down and cataloging information...